My superpower is to be rude without even trying.
It must be a big-city small-town collision at work.
Last night, drunk as seven lords and all their dogs, I stopped at a wings place and had a PBR and some grease. Yokel #1 gave me a 2nd PRB instead of my check, and when I demanded that Yokel #2 both give me the check and take off the beer, he said "I don't appreciate you being rude and cussing me." I was shocked, since I'd been as diplomatic as possible. The only person I'd called an asshole wasn't even in the room, and I'd never really do anything so vile (or acrobatic) to his grandmother. So I said "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude. I'm from Chicago. If I were trying to be rude, I'd pull my knife and say "I'll fucking cut you.' "
He seemed to understand, though you have to talk slowly and make big hand gestures to work out abstract concepts for the locals.
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Only a warning, but do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make any sudden movements with food in your hands.
If caught in the open and surrounded, and you haven't yet opened your Hardee's bag, you have a few options:
1) Toss it towards the smallest of the group, the others will believe it to be trying to steal the prize and forget about you.
2) Pull whatever you can grab in the bag and scream "THE VIRGIN MARY! I FOUND HER FACE IN MY [take a look first then {insert here} ie: fries, burger, burrito] !
3) Smile and exclaim how nice your low-cal salad is going to taste.
4) Drop the bag, open your zipper, and piss into the air catching it in your mouth. Even the amerikan redneck will back up. *Note* Check pick-ups in the area for gun-racks before attempting this move.
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